Monday, January 9, 2012

Would God have a sense of Humor?

No matter my beliefs I do not speak from a point of ignorance. Out of personal curiosity I have studied and investigated religious philosophy since I was thirteen years old. Here is a philosophical question I will ask again: Does God have a sense of humor?
Here is a comical, fictitious interview authored by Dave Beauchamp,an eclectic commentator on the often ignored or misinterpreted obvious.
I hope you can accept this in the spirit in which it is offered, enjoy.

Sporting News Interview with God
News you never see. For a Dave Beauchamp on Monday, February 8, 2010 at 6:47am

God Admits Saints win was his doing. Says He just doesn’t like the Colts.
In a rare interview the Christian God admitted Sunday night to intervening on behalf of the New Orleans Saints in order for them to win the SuperBowl. When questioned about his actions the Lord said "Well look at it. Who else should I have helped? The name of the team is the Saints for my son’s sake! I know that there are going to be a lot of unhappy Colts fans out there who are going to be disappointed in me, and as far as I am concerned they can go to Hell. I never cared much for them anyway."

During his post-game press conference God admitted to also being involved in several other sporting event outcomes over the past several years. "Sure, I get involved. Remember the ’69 Mets? That was me. How else do you think that they were labeled the Miracle Mets?" When questioned about other teams, like the 2004 Red Sox unimaginable comeback from three games down in the ALCS, the Lord responded "That wasn’t me. I was busy paying attention to little Bobby Smith’s Spelling Bee when that happened and The Devil seized the opportunity to show off what a prankster he can be. Everyone knows that the Red Sox suck."

The Almighty also took time to address some of his concerns about trends that he has been noticing that have been disturbing him. "I have to say that I am getting a little tired of all of these players down here who seemingly go out of their way to thank my son for everything. His skill set is not that polished yet when it comes to sports. He is working on it, but right now I only leave him in charge of monitoring the Chicago Cubs. I am the one that makes all the decisions. Maybe when I am gone and my boy takes over the family business you will see some things change; however, for now, send your thanks to me. By the way, a lot of these players should also start taking some credit for what they accomplish because of the work that they put in. I mean, wow! Have you seen how hard some of these athletes train during workouts and drills?"

"Overall, I’m just glad I could make it to the game today," the omnipresent deity continued. "It was good to see the half-time show with The Who. I was a fan of theirs while growing up. I would have liked to have seen a couple of Hail Mary passes thrown just for a giggle; but hey, even I can’t have everything. I just hope that this win today by the Saints helps make up for that little snafu back in 2005 with Hurricane Katrina. Honestly, I had been testing some new sacramental wine and overdid it a little. I really thought that everyone down here was going to be okay because I thought the government was going to step in. Um, sorry about that."

The divine being then closed out his interview with a few comments that he read from a prepared statement citing memory issues for reading off of a script. "I’d like to tell all of you that I am sorry for a lot of my past behaviors. The anger management classes that I have taken seem to have helped. I know that I have not been as interactive with all of you over the past 2,000 years or so causing some of you to question whether or not I am dead. Well, I am obviously not dead. I have been busy with another group of beings in another section of the Universe and honestly have not had that much time for you. Get over it. You have been here for hundreds of thousands of years and really need to start standing on your own.

"I must say that I am disappointed in a lot of you for following these charlatans who claim to be speaking on my behalf. Listen. I don’t need your money! I don’t want your money! What makes you think that I could possibly need something as trivial as cash? Do you know who I am? If I needed money, I could make my own. I’m all powerful, remember? These crooks are taking you to the cleaners!
"To make matters worse they also have perverted a major amount of my philosophy. Do you remember that whole love thy neighbor thing? Try doing that! I never said love thy neighbor unless your neighbor happens to be gay, divorced, belongs to another political party, or prefers hanging out with another god, or no god at all. These scumbags have made a career out of lying to you in my name and it needs to stop. I’m going to let a lot of you narrow-minded people in on a something: I created homosexuality to!

"Are you going to be able to get along with everybody? No. Some people are just real jerks. What I am saying is just don’t hate them because they have different colored skin or sexual preferences than you. Dig a little bit deeper than the surface and you may find a good reason to not like someone.
"As far as that book that has been circulating about me and my son that a lot of you like to quote, please stop that. It is an unauthorized biography that we were not consulted on. I am very disappointed that many of you could even believe half of that stuff really happened. Go ahead and go back and reread that thing with a critical eye and ask yourself if most of what is in there passes the laugh test.

"One final word. My son requested that I pass along to you that he is extremely uncomfortable with many of you wearing crosses around your neck. He would like for you to stop. While he appreciates the sentiment, he would also like to remind you that he was once nailed to one of those things and left there to die. Its kinda creeping him out, so knock it off. I don’t want to send him to therapy."


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